維他奶 // Baptism Testimony

我於二零二二年十二月十日受浸，見證我接受耶穌基督坐我生命的救主。我除了當天在倫敦中華基督教會台上公開的講見證，也想將這個分享保存在medium上。以下是我用中文和英文撰寫的節錄。

On December 10th 2022, I was baptised into Christ. The ceremony was a public declaration made to the Church — that I identify with the death, burial and resurrection of Christ, and that I vow to turn to him for a new life. The English version of the testimony was written at a later date.

---

天父，

我是個幸福的孩子，因為我生於一個自由的世代，一個物質豐富的社會，一個健全的家庭。父母給我的愛近乎有溺愛的程度，學業算是一帆風順，自問也沒有什麼身心缺憾。

自我出生的那天，我就像在啜着飲筒，幸福地喝著一盒甜甜的維他奶。

我在兒童主日學被灌輸聖經的真理，在第一次回去其他小朋友就給我演了一場耶穌叫瞎眼看見的畫劇。問我想「決志」嗎？好啊，反正7歲的我，也沒有什麼說不好的原因。我很理所當然地決志，理所當然地相信你是我救贖者，理所當然地「不可停止聚會」。在往後的日子，我也在不同場合中決志了很多次，在佈道會、福音營等，但當我嘗試回憶這些事的時候卻發覺自己的腦海是模糊一片。反而之後一直與中學和大學團契的同伴認識、敬拜、經歷你的片段，卻記憶猶新。

成長當中我確實有很多個人經歷你的機會，但我未曾將這份關係個人化，就或許構成了我屬靈生命的危機。在過去幾年的大學生涯，我即使未有經歷什麼太大的跌撞，卻漸漸渴想人生各方面尋求更大的突破；在學業上賣命似的追求更高的成就，在職場中覓索自己在社會的身分，在人際關係和興趣中尋找價值，等等。從前中學生團契的團訓是「不可叫人小看你年輕」，難道這就是我驚覺自己即將要成為「大人」面對「社會大學」的反應？

漸漸地，我發覺這盒維他奶的味道變了。

你讓我經歷了人生許多的第一次，劃出生命的色彩之餘，也讓我經歷異常的寂靜；虛空的虛空，虛空的虛空，凡事都是虛空！雖未落到失信的地步，我卻暗暗質疑我的信仰是否局限於教會的團契生活，在這個寂靜中我感到徬徨不安；你叫我認識自己，看清自己的軟弱，坦承面對這份關係。回望自己在異地工作的一段時光，我詫異自己會竟然「焦急」地覓尋一所新的教會，於是我嘗試展開了數星期的「旅行」；結果我停落了一所處於文化鎔爐，正在竭力更新的聖公會教會。即使一開始不習慣在陌生的環境中敬拜你，卻更感受到你的愛無可比擬，無形可循。我發現「曠野」的這種寂靜不是孤單，因為我無論到哪裡去尋找你，你的手早已緊緊握著我！

或許這盒維他奶不再是甜甜的，因爲你給它增添了一點薑，既辣得叫我流汗，又尖得叫我不禁眼角流淚。但這一盒從暖櫃中拿出來的暖笠笠維他奶，其實味道甘甜，溫度剛好。

當我回味每個點滴，就發現這份理所當然的幸福其實也不是太理所當然。你自小透過我的父母，讓我知道什麼是無條件，不求回報的愛；透過教會和團契，讓我見證一群若不相干的人如何因著你的緣故，彼此互相勉勵；在我經歷高山低谷時透過我身邊的天使，提醒我你永遠都是我的隱蔽。

每天，你向我賜下每個他、她、牠、它，成就我生命的足印，成就今天的我；昨天，更賜下「祂」，在我還作罪人的時候，無辜作我的代罪羔羊，在十架上爲我捨生，且升天勝過死亡，藉此向我顯明你的愛。我感謝你，因為你的愛從遠古到今天沒有離開過我！

在我決志的時候，我承認自己是個罪人，接受你是我生命的救主；今天我決定受洗，是見證我渴想更新，與你有更親密的關係！作你的愛子之餘，我且知道前路漫長，所以我求你叫我不僅「不可叫人小看我年輕」，更賜我剛強壯膽和智慧，活出後半句：「要在言語、行為、愛心、信心、清潔上，都作信徒的榜樣」。因為在這個彎曲悖謬的世代，我需要你，這個世界也需要你！

僅此立約。

孩子

恩陶

---

Since the very beginning of my life, I have been blessed with everything I could have ever asked for. While some of you may know me by my English name Yanni, my Chinese name “Yan To” means “created with blessing”. I owe this name to my Aunt Ada who came up with it and to my parents who decided to name me “Yan To”. Today, it is clear that I am wonderfully made — every inch of my physique and personality is a product of God’s divine blessing.

From a young age, I’ve always been awed by the words of Christ. I believed in the resurrection of Christ — that he sacrificed himself on the cross for our sins and rose from death, so that we could receive eternal life. And I believed that one day I would see him returning from heaven with power and great glory. For me, the imagery of these scenes were enough to convince me of his grace and power. And Christians around me have always put their utmost effort into proclaiming the fullness of this truth — some of my most vivid memories came from brief plays and bible studies from Sunday School. In fact, a recent sitting at the Imperial College Christian Union Mark Drama has brought all these memories back.

But I have always felt a distance from my Lord. I think what makes the Christian faith such a challenge to maintain, is the fact that the Word can feel so malleable at times, especially in times of adversity. Having dedicated nearly my entire childhood to an endless pursuit for knowledge and (hopefully) a bright career, how can my life ever be a living image of God’s glory? In the pursuit for unseen eternal pleasure, what lies in my present? Afterall, if my Faith is solely established upon the future, there surely is no purpose in the present! And it is in these times that I feel as if my Lord is playing a game of hide and seek with me. He was good but I neither felt his presence in me nor my dependence in Him.

Fast forward to 2022 and I experience what has been one of the most emotionally turbulent rides of my life, which was spending 6 months in Leicester. This was a period where I was learning to make a living in a relatively foreign place — a foreign city, an entirely new set of social circles, and a living style that greatly departed from my lifestyle as a student. I began shopping around for Churches to land at — which perhaps isn’t the right way to view the body of Christ, but an unsurprising move as I was searching for identity and purpose. In this end I landed at the Young Adult Fellowship at Martyrs, defined by its devoted population of young Christians from diverse cultural backgrounds and different walks of life, each with unique stories about their lives and their encounters with god. Best of all, it welcome newcomers as if they’ve been part of the family this time along, and I felt as if they’ve been waiting for ever for me to come.

Though I have no plans to live in Leicester in the near future, these 6 months has certainly given me two important lessons. Firstly, I would like to discuss about Church and fellowship. All fellowships offer a refuge to experience god’s abundant love, but had I my established my emotions solely based on this expectation would I have missed the most crucial reward of attending a fellowship! Besides the generous hospitality I have been offered, I have been constantly questioned about my faith and my devotion towards spreading God’s gospel. And in the various opportunities I had to spread the Gospel I became more aware of the questions akin to non-believers’ view of Christianity — specifically its seemingly strict imposition on our freedoms, the personal relationship with God that Christian’s claim to have yet never seem to attain, and the hypocrisy that Christians hold in politics and in society. However, I’m afraid I do not have answers that will satisfy everyone, though I reckon nor does C.S. Lewis — but before I venture too far off my original intentions all I want to say is that fellowship has offered me a space to critically reflect on myself, and through a community of devoting Christians, learn to open our hearts to the lord. The second thing that I have learnt to dealt with is loneliness, or rather the illusion of dealing with loneliness. I believe my loneliness has always been driven by my pursuit for identity and purpose, but over time I’ve came to realise, or perhaps more accurately, recognise, the root cause. All this time it is as if I have been trying to keep God close enough to me — to save me from the darkest fears and to tread through the challenges of life. But at the same time it is as if I have been trying to keep him far enough so that I can decide what I can do. Unfortunately this is undeniably the way I treat my parents (or in general, the way everyone treats their parents), so as restless as I can be at times, I have to recognise that akin to my relationship with my parents, it is in Him I can truly rest — where I am free from judgement to enjoy the world He has intended me to. In fact I have come to realise that quitting my restless pursuits rest is a way of celebrating and spreading the goodness of our Lord!

Make no mistake — my motivation to be baptised is not solely driven by my experience in Leicester. It just happened to be a tipping point in series of blessings from my Lord. Often I expect less of what my Lord prepares for me and fall into the temptation of living my own ways, ignoring the fact that his Grace prevails to me in all kinds of miraculous ways, and my earlier statement reflects this. My baptism into Christ, therefore, is a declaration to put my trust entirely in Him. With this in mind, I finish this piece with the reassurance that my faith lies within Him, whose love would surround me wherever I go and in whatever stage of life I might find myself in.

Hallelujah!